


What The Hell?

by Fangirl616



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Angels & Demons, Alternate Universe - Still Have Powers, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Guardian Angels, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Spideypool - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-02-28 15:51:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18759559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fangirl616/pseuds/Fangirl616
Summary: Peter’s Guardian Angel died. That’s why he has what he’s dubbed, ‘Parker Luck’. Unfortunately for Peter, all the Guardians are either in training, or already have a human. But, there is a solution. A Demon has been trying to be a Guardian for years. Since Peter’s only options are no Guardian or a Demon, he gets assigned a brand new Guardian: Wade Wilson.Who is also as annoying as hell. Which makes sense, considering that’s where he’s from.





	1. Go To Hell

Peter’s Guardian Angel died. That’s why he has what he’s dubbed, ‘Parker Luck’. Unfortunately for Peter, all the Guardians are either in training, or already have a human. But, there is a solution. A Demon has been trying to be a Guardian for years. Since Peter’s only options are no Guardian or a Demon, he gets assigned a brand new Guardian: Wade Wilson.  
  
Who is also as annoying as hell. Which makes sense, considering that’s where he’s from.

 

~ 

 

"Woah, woah, hold the motherfucking phone. Why the fuck don't I get to be an angel?" Wade demands, stopping the story in its tracks.

 

He waits for a response. Upon receiving none, his mood darkens.

 

"Why the fuck am I a demon, huh? Have you been watching 'Seven Deadly Sins' again? Hate to burst your bubble, but those powers are more of a Venom thing." Wade points out, his annoyance evident in his tone.

 

Deadpool, who needs to shut up in order for the story to start, glares at the sky. Or rather, what passes for the sky in this alternate dimension.

 

See, dimensions and multi-verses are two diffrent things. Demensions exist inside multi-verses, and there can be multiple of them. For example, Heaven and Hell. 

 

"Enough with the exposistion! You didn't answer me!" Wade whines, crossing his arms. 

 

In this AU, half the heroes are angels, the other half human. Or, y'know... human-ish. Half the villians are demons, and the other half are human-ish.

 

"I'm not a villian! I'm an anti-hero!" Wade argues. "There's a diffrence, y'know!"

 

In the next chapter, the story will actually start, whether Deadpool likes it or not."


	2. When Hell Freezes Over

“Why can’t I do one? I promise to behave! I’ve been doing better, right? I have. Steeeve, lemme do one!” Wade begs the Angel, who doesn’t seem to even acknowledge Wade’s existence.

 

”I’ve already told you no.” Steve doesn’t look up from his paperwork.

 

They stand in a brightly lit office, the entire room shades of red and blue. And white, of course. All of heaven has white.

 

”What about that one?” Wade tries, pointing to a brunet on one of the papers. “Er.... James?”

 

”His name is Bucky, and he’s mine.” Steve’s tone brooks no room for argument.

 

Wade argues anyway. “What about him?” He tries, pointing to a man with an odd beard.

 

”Pepper.” Steve sighs.

 

”Her?” He points to a red-head.

 

”Clint.” Steve explains.

 

”What about him? Look at how cute he is! C’mon, lemme have... Uh... Peter.” Wade begs, glancing at the name at the top of the page.

 

"I said no."

 

"That's not a name." Wade notes.

 

"No, its not." Steve admits. He looks up from his papers- finally.

 

"Does he have a Guardian Angel?" Wade asks, barely refraining from jumping. Barely.

 

"No." Steve scratches the back of his neck. He looks embarrassed.

 

Well, it _is_ his job to assign humans their Angels.

 

"Does he need one?" Wade prompts, a sly grin on his face.

 

"All humans need a Guardian Angel, Wade. We've been over this." Steve reminds.

 

"What about a Guardian Demon?" Wade prompts. Then he holds his breath.

 

This is it. This is the perfect opportunity. If Steve still says no, well...

 

Then he'll never be a Guardian.

 

“The second you screw up, you’re done.” Steve decides.

 

Wade lights up. “I- I promise I’ll be the best Guardian there ever was! You’ll see!” He snatched up the paper. 

 

“Take good care of him. He’s a mutate.” Steve adds.

 

”Do you mean mutant?” Wade asks, looking over the paper. Sure enough, it claims he’s a ‘mutate’. Whatever that means.

 

”No. He wasn’t born with his powers. That makes him a mutate.” Steve explains.

 

Wade blinks. He’s an Angel who Fell. A Demon. Does that classify him as a mutate? Considering that he was a Powerless Angel, like Clint and Pepper, and he gained his powers when he Fell... it could.

 

Wade nods. “Roger that, Rogers.”

 

Steve arches an eyebrow, but he’s smiling. Score! “Good luck. I’ll have Pepper bring you the rest of the file.”

 

Wade realizes he’s being dismissed. “Thank you!” He grins. Then he runs out of the room. He glances at the paper. The one that’s going to change his meaning in life. The _person_ who’s changing his meaning in life.

 

”Peter Parker.” Wade reads. Huh. Alliteration. Just like Wade.

 

Its like this was meant to be.


	3. What in Hell's Name?

Wade paces around Peter's apartment, anxiously waiting for the boy to get home.

 

"This place is tiny." He muses, glancing around. And its true. There are only three rooms in the apartment- bedroom, bathroom, and the kitchen/dining room/living room. And all of the rooms are small- leading to an overall small apartment. Even the bed is small. The couch is small. The TV is sm- wait, that's a computer, not a TV. Does Peter _have_ a TV?

 

"Um." A voice squeaks out behind him.

 

Wade turns, and finds himself face to face with the most adorable little nerd. Whom he recognizes as Peter Parker.

 

The Demon waves. "Hi. I'm Wade. I'm going to be your new Guardian. Sorry it took us so long to get you a new one." Then he flashes a charming smiles for good measure.

 

Peter steps into the apartment, closing the door behind him. "Its been four years."

 

"Steve... well, I don't have an excuse for Steve. But its his fault, not mine." Wade explains. It really isn't his fault, you see.

 

Wait. Do Angels take responsibility for all of Heaven? Shit.

 

"What kinda Angel are you?" Peter asks, tilting his head.

 

Alright, apparently they do.

 

Wade winces. "See, about that..."

 

Peter takes a step back. "No."

 

"Um, everybody's either been assigned a human, or is still in training. Or is, y'know, dead. Like your old one.  _Anyway_. I'm actually a Demon. So. Yeah." Wade forces a smile.

 

Peter takes another step back. He holds his lunch bag out in front of him like its a weapon.

 

Tssh. Like a lunch box could stop him.

 

"Stay back." Peter warns, his voice trembling. "I have a lunch box and I am not afraid to use it."

 

Wade snorts. He can't help it. What's he gonna do, throw it at him-

 

Wade gets hit square in the face with the lunch box, instantly knocking him out cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. This is short. The story got away from me and this is where the chapter decided to end. I will try and catch it, but the plot is no where in sight. Sorry.


	4. A Match Made In Hell

 

Wade groans, blinking. What happened?

 

The memories come back in a rush. Wade looks around, desperately trying to get his bearings.

 

He spots Peter, who sheepishly scratches the back of his neck.

 

“I’m sorry for knocking you out. I didn’t mean to throw my lunch box that hard. I didn’t know I could throw it that-”

 

“Yes, Spider-Man, you did.” Wade interrupts, glaring. He got knocked out by a human. A freaking  _ human _ . How humiliating.

 

“How did you-”

 

“Steve gave me your file.” Wade interjects, getting to his feet.

 

“I have a file?!” Peter demands. He looks like he’s starting to hyperventilate.

 

Great. Now Wade has guilt. That's just perfect.    
  


“All humans have a file. Typically paper, because Steve is a stickler for old fashioned shit.” He offers, hoping to calm the boy down.

 

“You know who I am.” Peter realizes. Did he just now figure that out?

 

“Relax. I’m your Guardian. I’m here to protect you.” Wade assures, giving his best reassuring smile.

 

“You seem really capable of that.” Peter snarks, glancing back at his lunch box.

 

Wade takes a deep breath. Its been a long time since his training, and he’s starting to lose his hold on his self-control. 

 

“Peter. I’m a  _ demon _ . A demon with a kill-count in the millions. Trust me when I say no one is going to fucking touch you.” He growls, his hand flickering closer to one of his knives.

 

“Um. Please don’t kill anyone.” Peter pleads, taking a cautionary step backward.

 

Wade resists the urge to slam his head into a wall. This has to be the most infuriating human he’s ever met. He’s definitely worse than Vanessa.

 

“I’ll do what it takes to protect you. That's my job.” Wade grits out, trying to think back to his training. What is he supposed to do in this situation?

 

Peter swallows. “Um. Can you do that without killing anyone?”

 

Wade takes a deep breath. Counts to ten. Resists the urge to shoot himself in the head.

 

“I can try.” He compromises. Being a Guardian is about making your human happy  _ and _ safe. Not just safe. “My name’s Wade, by the way. Not sure if I told you that or not.”

 

“Wade. Nice to meet you.” Peter greets in almost a robotic tone, like he doesn’t honestly mean it.

 

He probably doesn’t.

 

“The pleasure’s all mine.” Wade grits out. Always be polite. Even if they hit you, kicking and screaming and whining, always stay polite.

 

This is harder than he remembers. Or maybe Peter is just extra infuriating.

 

“Uh… thanks?” Peter tilts his head. “Sorry, I have no idea how to respond to that. Do you want some food? I’m making pizza. Or, well, heating it up.”

 

Wade blinks. Once. Twice.Three times. “Um. Sure?” Its been awhile since he’s eaten, given that demons don’t need food to survive. But still. Food is  _ awesome _ .

 

“Cool. I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me.” Peter carefully backs out of the room, eyes on Wade’s weapons the entire time.

 

Oh yeah. He probably shouldn’t have showed up with an arsenal. That might’ve been part of what prompted Peter to throw his lunch box at him.

 

But he typically keeps his weapons on his suit, and its not like he could show the poor boy his fugly mug. He’s trying to protect him, not scar him for life.

 

Wade walks into the living room, and sits down on the couch. He starts stuffing his weapons into his magic bottomless pouch, hoping to make himself slightly less intimidating. 

 

Peter walks in, plopping down beside Wade. “Pizza’s in the oven.” He offers, despite Wade not asking.

 

Wade ignores him, continuing to put away his weapons.

 

Peter stares at him.

 

Wade continues not acknowledging him.

 

“How does all that fit in there?” Peter demands, sounding hopeless confused.

 

Wade resists the urge to laugh. “I’m a demon, Baby boy. You think I’m not going to have a magic item or two?”

 

“Oh. Magic. That makes sense.” Peter nods, relaxing again. 

 

Until his brows furrow once more as he makes his adorably confused face. “Wait… what's the second one?”

 

“Teleporter.” Wade explains. His hands hover over his katanas. Should he take them off?

 

He decides against it, and starts digging for some of his more obviously hidden knives. He’ll leave most of them, but he can take off a few. Same with his guns. He’ll take them out of their holsters, but leave the mini ones hidden in places like his boots.

 

“You have a teleporter?” Peter whispers, his awe clear in his face.

 

“Yep.” Wade nods, smirking. He technically stole it from Cable, but the Angel probably wouldn’t miss it. Probably.

 

A slow grin spreads across Peter’s face. “ _ Woah _ .”

 

Wade puts his last weapon away, closing the pouch. Well, his last visible weapon.

 

A suddenly somber expression crosses Peter’s face, and the boy suddenly looks nervous. “H-hey, I- is it okay if I ask a question?”

 

Wade narrows his eyes, but nods. “Go ahead. I mean, you just did, but feel free to ask another.”

 

A smile tugs at Peter’s mouth at the joke, but its gone in seconds. “I… can all Angels fly?”

 

Wade recalls something he read in Peter’s file. His last Guardian Angel- Gwen- died from falling to her death. Or snapping her neck while falling. Something to do with heights.

 

Wade sighs. “No.”

 

And its the truth. Its actually pretty rare for Angels to fly. Powered Angels are uncommon, and flight is even more uncommon. Does Wade even know an Angel who can fly?

 

“R-right. Okay. Thanks.” Peter nods, pointedly not making eye contact.

 

Wade groans internally. Great. Now he has to cheer him up. How the frick do you make this human happy for longer than five seconds?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t expect the rest to be this long. I have no idea what happened or how to do it again.


	5. A Snowball’s Chance in Hell

Wade has officially fucked up.

 

He's not sure what he did, but Peter's crying.

 

The guy asked a question, Wade answered it, and then he started crying. What is up with this human?

 

"Are you okay?" Wade asks gently. It seems like the safest option.

 

Peter whispers something too quiet for Wade to hear, trembling as he does.

 

"What was that?" Wade questions softly, leaning closer.

 

Peter just starts sobbing. Not pretty crying, like he was doing before. No, this is red-eyes, snot dripping down his chin, quivering crying. 

 

Well this is just great. He's been here for less than an hour and he's already somehow managed to traumatize the poor boy.

 

"I murdered her." Peter whimpers. He starts rocking back and forth.

 

"You murdered someone? Sorry kid, but you really don't seem the type. You sure it wasn't a hallucination?" Wade checks. Peter's file didn't mention anything about him killing someone... but then again, it also didn't mention hallucinations.

 

"It wasn't on purpose." Peter explains. "I- I would never have hurt her on purpose!"

 

"Ah, so it was manslaughter then. Big difference." Wade nods. "So, who was she?"

 

Peter whispers something that Wade can't quite catch.

 

"Baby boy, you're going to have to speak up." Wade puts his hand on Peter's shoulder in an attempt to be comforting.

 

"I'm not meant to have a Guardian Angel." Peter whispers. He wipes at his eyes, but only succeeds at spreading his tears across his face.

 

"We've already covered that I'm not an Angel." Wade reminds.

 

"It's all my fault." Peter sniffles, closing his eyes.  


"... are we talking about the manslaughter thing again?" Wade double-checks. How are those two things connected?

 

"I killed her." Peter repeats quietly.  
  


"Who is 'her'?" Wade asks. Maybe he can find some evidence to prove that Peter didn't actually kill her.

 

"Gwendolyn Stacy." Peter whispers.

 

Oh,  _shit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is short. No freaking idea when the next update will be. I get distracted easily.


	6. Guilty As Hell

Wade stops breathing. Peter killed an angel?

 

No, no. There's got to be more to this. There  _has_ to be. 

 

"I thought she fell?" Wade recalls, looking to the boy for an explanation.

 

"She did. It was a bridge." Peter whispers. Wade can barely make out what he's saying.

 

"What, did you push her?" He jokes, attempting to lighten the mood.

 

"I may as well have." Peter bows his head solemnly.

 

"Dude, you're starting to freak me out. What exactly happened?" Wade asks. And honestly... he's starting to get scared. Angel's aren't supposed to be killed by humans. It's not supposed to be possible. Sure, it had happened on rare occasions, but... it had been millennia since something like that happened.

 

"I... I was fighting the Green Goblin. He's... He's a supervillain. And... Gw- Gwen showed up. She had- had come up with a way to beat him. I... I tried to get her to leave. I  _begged_ for her to go home. She didn't have powers, I did. And... And then there was an explosion. The Green Goblin was using it as a diversion to get away. It- It knocked Gwen off the bridge." Peter stutters, tears pouring down his face.

 

"But... how is that your fault?" Wade tilts his head.

 

"I... I thought I could do both. My ego got ahead of me. I shot a web after the Green Goblin, and one down to Gwen." Peter continues. 

 

"So... you saved her?" Wade guesses.

 

"No!" Peter yells. Tears stream down his face, snot dribbles from his nose. He wipes his face, and continues. "She was falling too fast. The web pulled taunt, and... and her neck snapped." 

 

Wade opens his mouth to answer, but no words come out. How to you reply to something like this?

 

"Well.... at least you got the bad guy?" He offers.

 

"I didn't. The web holding him snapped, and he got away. And... And I killed Gwen." The last sentence is a whisper, like he can't believe what he's saying is true.

 

"You didn't kill Gwen. The Green Goblin killed Gwen. Its his fault, not yours." Wade argues.

 

"I thought that at first too. But then... I was fighting the Green Goblin, and he had his glider come up behind me in an attempt to impale me in the back. I dodged, and... and... he died." Peter explains.

 

"So what, because he's dead he's not a murderer? That's not how that works, y'know." Wade points out.

 

"I know that! But... but...  _I'm_ the one who shot the web.  _I'm_ the one who made the final blow. Therefore,  _I'm_ the one who killed her." Peter shoots back.

 

Wade throws his hands up. "Stop making it about you!"

 

Peter frowns. "What?"

 

"Look, you're sad she's dead. I get it. I understand. Probably better than most. But look, blaming yourself when you didn't fucking kill her is making it all about you. So stop hogging the fucking spotlight, mourn, then move on." Wade snaps.

 

Peter opens his mouth, then closes it. He gives Wade the most betrayed and confused look that he's ever seen in his life.

 

"I killed her!" Peter repeats.

 

"No, you failed to save her. There's a difference, Baby Boy!" Wade argues.

 

"Don't call me that!" Peter snaps. Wade can practically  _see_ the steam coming out of his ears.

 

"How 'bout I do it anyway?" Wade smirks, booping Peter on the nose.

 

Peter gapes at Wade for a solid ten seconds, his hand coming up to touch his nose.

 

"You're insufferable!" He snaps.

 

"Thanks." Wade smirks, blowing Peter a kiss.

 

"That's not-"

 

The oven beeps, alerting them that the pizza's ready.

 

Peter shuts up. 

 

_Finally._


	7. There's Hell To Pay

Wade takes a single bite of pizza, and spits it out. "This isn't pizza!" He exclaims, giving Peter an outraged look.

 

"What'dyou mean?" Peter frowns. He's finally stopped crying. Yay!

 

"It tastes like cardboard. Did the store pay you to take this?" Wade demands.

 

"It was three dollars." Peter admits. 

 

Wade gives him a look. "Alright, you want pizza or mexican?"

 

"What?" Peter's eyebrows scrunch up.

 

"Pizza or mexican? I'm buying." Wade repeats.

 

"Wha- no, you can't do that. Here, I'll make something else-"

 

"Alright, pizza it is! Where are we getting it from?" Wade cuts Peter off.

 

"I said,  _no._ " Peter growls.

 

"You are being fed good food whether you like it or not." Wade shoots back. "Pick somewhere, or it's gonna be Jets."

 

"I already told you no! Don't even think about it!" Peter yells.

 

Wade pulls out a gun and point it at Peter. "And  _I_ told you that you are going to get fucking fed!"

 

Peter webs Wade's gun, and attempts to pull it from his grasp.

 

Alright. Time to be a fucking Demon.

 

Wade growls, deep and low in his throat. It's a hideous sound, something that can make even Angels cower in fear. 

 

The rumble shakes the room, so Wade quiets. Peter has already put his hands up in surrender, anyway.

 

"You. Are. Going. To. Fucking. Eat. Something. That. Isn't. Cardboard. Is. That. Clear?" Wade demands, speaking in his most demonic voice.

 

Peter whimpers, nodding his head.

 

And now he's crying again. Wonderful.

 

Wade groans, throwing his head back. "What do you want to eat? Pick anything, and I'll get it."

 

"Cheapest thing possible?" Peter tries.

 

Wade glares at him, and Peter gives a weak chuckle.

 

"Sorry. How about a happy meal?" Peter tries.

 

"Three orders of 16 piece chicken nuggets, coming up!" Wade grins, mentally trying to remember if you can order delivery from McDonalds.

 

"Wha- that's not what I said!" Peter protests.

 

"You were just trying to do something cheap. I'm going to get you a meal. And that's final." Wade insists.

 

Peter just sighs, "You know what? Fine. You win."

 

Wade narrows his eyes suspiciously at Peter. "I'm getting the feeling your upset."

 

"No freaking crap!" Peter 'swears'.

 

Wade blinks. "Did I do something wrong?"

 

"YOU POINTED A GUN AT ME!" Peter yells.

 

"Because you weren't listening!" Wade shoots back.

 

"I- why on earth would you think that's a good idea?!" Peter demands.

 

"Well, I mean, it kinda worked." Wade argues.

 

"No, the growl worked. The gun just made me angry." Peter corrects.

 

Wade sighs. "I'm just going to order Jets." 

 

He pulled out his phone, and looked up the number of the pizza place. Right before he started dialing, Peter tugged on his arm.

 

"...can I have pepperoni, please?"


End file.
